Vision board shortfilm Manchá

INTRODUKSHON

E blòg aki ta representá mi sketchbook habrí , kaminda mi ta kompartí mi skètsnan, tekstonan, investigashon, kòmbersashonnan i trabounan ku lo hiba mi na e shortfilm ku mi ke traha ,yamá ‘Manchá’ . Den e blòg aki lo mi krea un struktura pa mi mes i purba hasi sentido di tur e ideanan ku mi tin den mi kabes. Esaki ta e motibu pakiko e blòg ta partí den tres pida. Mi ta den un búskeda pa komprendé mi mes, i kiko ta loke ta hasi mi e persona ku mi ta. E búskeda aki a kuminsá ora ku un amiga a manda mi algun potret di tempu nos tabata yòn. Nos a bai laman pa kumpleaño di un di mi amiganan. Mi a wòrdu konfrontá ku realidat na e momentu ku mi a mira e portrètnan aki. Mi tabata tapa mi kurpa, ku un sèrbètè den tur e portrètnan. Aki mi a komprendé kon inkómodo i insigur mi tabata sinti mi, i mi a realisá na e momentu ei ku mi tabata sinti asina ainda. Esaki a pone mi reflekshoná I re-definí e idea/ bista ku mi tabatin di mi mes. Den un erupshon di emoshon, rabiá ku mi mes pa tur e tempu ku mi a trata mi mes malu, mi a kuminsá ku algun skèts. Komo un di dos paso mi a kuminsá analisá kon mi tabata sinti, kua trouma di mi infansia mi a trese ku mi den mi adultes.

Semper mi tabatin un relashon “un kayente un friu” ku Katolisismo, I mi a realisá kuantu impakto e tabatin riba mi komo mucha. Mi tabatin e nesesidat di tende e punto di bista di otro hende muhé. Mi kièr a sa kon nan ta eksperensia religion. Mi kièr a sa si e impakto ku religion tin riba nos pais a yega di afektá nan. Purbando na dil ku mi pasado i e konsepto di religion ku mi tabatin( pues loke mi a wòrdu siñá), mi mester a puntra kuantu di mi identidat tabata basá/òf ta basá riba kreensia. A yega un punto kaminda mi a laga e ‘ami di pasado’ bai. Den e idea di laga e ami di pasado ku ta perfekshonista atras, mi a kuminsá hasi investigashon tokante e idea di puresa. Basá riba esei mi a kuminsá eksperimentá i buska un balanse entre e ami di pasado i e ami di presente, purbando na evitá di yega atrobe na un ekstremo. I loke ta mas importante ku tur kos, ta ku awor mi ta okey ku e echo ku mi no ta perfekto, pues mi ta okey ku e echo ku mi ta “manchá”.

INTRODUCTION

This blog is my open sketchbook where I share my sketches, texts, research, conversations, and works that will lead to the short film I want to make called Manchá (stained). This is my way to create some structure and make some sense out of everything I’ve been learning so far. This is why I divided the blog into 3 parts. I have been on a journey of understanding myself and discovering what the things are that made/make me who I am. It all started when a friend sent me pictures of when we were teenagers. We went to the beach on the birthday of one of my friends. I was confronted with a harsh reality when looking at these pictures. I was covering my body with a towel in every picture. I understood then that I was not comfortable in my own skin and still was not comfortable. This made me take a look inside and redefine the idea/view I had of myself. As an outburst, angry at myself for having been so mean to me for so long, I started by making a sketch. As a second step, I started analyzing how I felt, what childhood traumas I took with me into adulthood.

I have always had an on and off relationship with Catholicism, and realized that it had a huge impact on me as a child. I decided that I needed to hear other women’s stories. I wanted to know how they experienced religion. If the strong religious belief system in Curacao has affected them in any way. Dealing with my past and the concept of religion that I had( what I learned), I also found myself wondering how much of my identity is and/or used to be based on my beliefs. At some point, I came to a moment where I left the old me behind. Within the idea of leaving the ‘perfectionist’ old me behind, I started doing research on the idea of purity. Based on this research I started experimenting and searching for a balance between the old me and the new me, trying to avoid falling again into an extreme. And what is most important of all is that now I’m okay with not being perfect, thus with being stained (manchá).

Part 1: - muhe, pika & sosiedat (Woman, sins & society)

THE PICTURES THAT STARTED IT ALL

Nunka mi por a pensa ku un portrèt, un interpretashon di mi mes por afektá mi asina tantu. Na e momentu ku mi a mira kon ku tantu afan mi tabata kièr a tapa mi mes den kada portrèt, i mi mira kon mi amiganan por ta gewon nan mes sin e insiguridat tan opvio ku ami tabatin, úniko kos ku mi por a sinti ta tristesa. Dikon mi tabata sinti asina? Memorianan di mi mama i tanchinan bisando mi pa mi hala mi barika aden a pasa den mi mente. Kon kada bes ku bo tei saka un portrèt bo tin ku para règt i bo tin ku hala bo barika aden. Den okashonnan ekstremo bo tin ku asta kambia òf ahustá bo posishon pa tapa bo barika, pa e mustra ménos grandi. I e realisashon a bin ku ketu bai mi tabata sinti asina. Ketu bai mi no tabata i ta gusta mi barika. Imágennan di e besnan ku mi a para dilanti spil i kritiká loke mi ta mira a pasa den mi kabes. E echo ku mi tabata evitá mes di wak den spil pa no mester kritiká mi mes. Kon malu mi tabata sinti mi semper pa ta un hende muhé ku hopi kabei na mi kurpa. Bistiendo karson largu paso mi no tabata por a keep up pa feita tur ora i tin bèrgwensa di kana rònt ku kabei na mi pia. Pió ainda, sinta na mesa i kòmbersá ku algun amigu I tende nan papia kon fis nan ta haña e echo ku un muhé por “tin e deskaro” di sali su kas ku kabei bou di su brasa, sin tin e kurashi i porta asta e konsenshi pa bisa nan kon ignorante nan ta zona. E avalancha di rekuerdo i pensamentunan aki a krea un furia den mi, pa ku mi mes.

THE OUTBURST

An outburst. I needed to let out all the disappointment. The hate I felt for myself at that moment. How could I have allowed myself to treat ME this way? I’ve been making myself small, almost invisible for years. Putting myself last, tiring myself by trying to be perfect. The PERFECT DAUGHTER, the PERFECT SISTER, the PERFECT FRIEND, and the PERFECT GIRLFRIEND. But no more. I have a new mantra. I am my own. Mi ta dimi mes. So I need to take care of me. i’m my own! Mi ta dimi. dimi..dimi..

MIN TA WAK’É, PUES EN TA MOLESTIA MI

Esaki tabata mi kontesta ora nan bisa mi: “ eh eh, bo tin ku hasi algu ku e wènkbrounan ei.” Min ta wak e, pues en ta molestiá mi. Pa años mi tabata kere ku mi tabata un persona masha sigur di mi mes. Min ta wòri kiko hende pensa di mi. Si bo gusta mi òf no, no ta interesá mi. Honestamente si mi no gusta bo tambe mi ta bisa bo, pa bo sa ku mi no gusta bo. Pero semper ku manera. Mi ta rekonosé ku bo ta un ser humano, pues si mi mira bo mi ta kuminda bo i mi ta respetá bo derechi di eksistensia. Pero despues di a wak e portrètnan mi a realisá ku mi ta un muhé insigur ku ta sigur di su mes. E por ta zona straño pero e ta bèrdat. Mi sa kiko mi ke, i niun hende no por obligá mi hasi nada ku mi no ke. Mi no tin bèrgwensa di bisa loke mi ta pensa, i mi ta un introvèrt bastante sosial. Aparentemente pa años mi tabata kana rònt sin sa ku hopi hende hòmber ta haña mi intimidante. I e or’ei e pregunta ta, kon ta posibel ku mi por ta tur dos na e mes un momentu. Mi tabata aparentá algu ku mi no ta? Ta posibel pa ta mitar insigur? Ta posibel ku e konsepto di amor propio ku mi tabatin no tabata esun korekto. Paso honest to God, den mi kabes mi tabata stima mi mes.

ENTREVISTA: EKSPERENSIA KU RELIGION (HENDE MUHE- 19 )

Its weird not to think of god as being the starting point. And the one that is keeping me alive and that I should be grateful for. I never took responsibility for anything that I did. Like anything that I’ve achieved really. Like si mi a slag, I always go like, thank you god, thank you for doing this for me. It was never me, because mi ta manera I didn’t do this god did it for me. I have this ritual ku kada bia ku mi tei tuma un big exam I pray. And so den mi kabes, Im like all this is god. Anto ku misa atventista, it’s a lot more difficult cause its a lifestyle. No ta un dia bo ta bai misa, Bo amigunan ta di misa, henter bo famia ta den misa. Bo ta bai misa porta mas ku un bia pa siman, bo tin skol atventista, bo tin hospital di atventista. So tur kos ta den e community.

IIt doesn’t make sense and it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that there’s just no proof of it, anto I would be open to proof si un hende por prueba mi ku there’s a higher power. Maybe not the God and the Jesus and spiritu santu ku nos konosé but si un hende por prueba ku there is something out there that created all of this, I would be very open to that. If I think logically, it’s not true and there’s no proof for it. Anto un parti di mi ke kere paso, mi ta manera, i believed in this for so fucking long, anto ainda mi ta sinti mi mes kulpabel ora mi kome porko. Like mi no por kome porko. No paso mi no ta hañ’é dushi ta gewon mi no por, paso mi ta sinti manera I’m gonna go to hell. Anto like un kos chikitu manera getting my ears pierced, I want to do it pero mi ta pensa, no maybe I shouldn’t. So ainda mi tin hopi pensamentu di erf for di that religion and e no ta nesesariamente only the religion, it’s also just god. Like the religion was shitty. Paso you couldn’t question. It was bad to question. Ma kuminsa question anto ma sinti mi mes kulpabel pa question god. I was supposed to just believe, but how do you just believe without questioning, without asking, without looking. And mi ta kere mi tabata kere, paso that was mi normal.

Dikon bo ta pega dios asina tantu na e dios ku nan ta bisa ta eksisti?

Because that is what I was brought up with. Ma lanta ku esaki ta Dios. Dios ta bon, Dios ta amor. Atventista ta kere ku tur otro kos ku no ta atventista ta malu. Dus si bo ta katóliko, pero nos ta kere den e mesun dios you are going to hell. Si bo ta kiko, bo ta go to hell. Thats why awoki mi no por meditate, because I think I’m going to hell. Anto p’esei mi ta kere in that image solely of god. Paso esei ta loke I’ve been brought up with. Anto mi ta pensa ok, si no tin prueba pa esaki anto tur hende ta bai based off of gevoel, anto por ehempel un senñora Maria tambe ta based of e gevoel ku tur su spriritunan ku e ta sinti. Then kiko ta e diferensia entre one thing and the other from being true.

I dont feel like believing in something that  I dont feel like, asta si mi ta bai misa and I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel like ora e hendenan ta kuminsa yora, and Im like I dont feel it. Unda spiritu santu ta? Dikon ami, spiritu santu no ta bin den mi? And that made me feel guilty. That religion just made me feel guilty for everything that I did. How dare I question, how dare I not feel,  how dare I think that its not real. Anto dikon tur kos ta heaven and hell? Why is everything good and bad? And that doesn’t make any sense. Anto tur kos, like si bo  wak un movie di harry potter, I still havent watched harry potter. Paso fo’i chikitu nan a bisa mi that it’s the devil and its bad. Satanas ta purba bin papia den bo orea laga bo hasi tur e kosn’ei. Satanas ta pone hende suisidá nan mes. And Im like, that  makes me feel like my feelings aren’t real. Oh, no ta abo, ta satanas. Anto bo ta laga satanas bin den bo kabes. I’m like no I just feel like fucking shit. I dont want to deal with this shit and thats why I have these feelings. No ta paso ta satanas ta bin den mi kabes. And thats what I dont appreciate.

Tur Loke ta malu ta satanas, tur loke ta bon ta dios. Anto nada no ta abo. Paso bo accomplishments no ta di bo, ta Dios a hasie’le pa bo. Anto ora bo hasi algu òf algu bai malu no ta abo, ta satanas a papia den bo orea. Thats a very interesting concept

WHAT A JOURNEY

From a weird child to a very secure insecure teenager to a self-aware young adult. A young adult, that is constantly trying to figure out what her inner child is trying to tell her. Trying to remedy the wrong done to this little innocent being. Upon my return to Curacao, after studying for 4 years in the Netherlands, I became aware of how much I’ve changed. Leaving for a few years gave me a new perspective on my beautiful island. I started realizing how infatuated we are with religion as a country, you can see this even with the names of different neighborhoods, streets, and schools. How it is deeply ingrained in the way we speak and our behavior towards each other. I also noticed how this made us a very passive society that easily puts the blame (the responsibility of our behavior) on others. Something that is seen in our speech like for example “e kuchu a korta mi” ( the knife cut me), easily putting the blame on the knife when you know for a fact that the knife itself cannot cut you. Also having this idea that God will provide no matter what. That at the end everything will be ok. Realizing this, made me question how much responsibility and blame I put on other people for my own well-being.

 

Trying to find the root, where it all started, I came to the one aspect of my life that had a big influence on me building my character and my personality. This aspect is religion. I have always had a very on and off relationship with religion, with this I mean the institute itself. To me as a child, a relationship with God meant a very simple thing. This very logical position of doing good and good will come back to you, and not doing anything to others that you wouldn’t like to be done to you. Very simple, but the church puts the pastor at the center of everything. Through his preaching you learn that you should strive to be like Jesus, you should turn the other cheek, you should be humble and giving. Thinking about it now as a young adult I think this is a lot of pressure to put on a little kid, let alone a little girl who has to also deal with the pressure of society and the “be pure and innocent” idea of religion. As a smart girl who always wanted to correct people, in my head I was helping, people often told me I was arrogant, especially teachers. So in my little head if I was arrogant I needed more humility, so I wanted to be as humble as Jesus. In trying to be this humble I think maybe I went to an extreme. And I am not putting the blame on anyone else but myself. Because this was my decision, no one ever forced me. As an adult, I had a conversation with my mother about how I felt pressured( more so put the pressure on myself) to be a good daughter to her. All I wanted to do was to be this model child, that gets good grades and whose mom would be super proud of. What my mother told me really shocked me in a way. She was totally oblivious to this thing I went through. She never cared if I was a model child or not. She even thought it was weird because she was never a very demanding mother, so she could not understand where this need to be perfect came from. So I went through all that pressure for nothing( in a way). I’ve always experienced grown-ups having good things to say about me. They would not say it to my face all the time, but I could overhear conversations from time to time or other grownups would tell me about conversations they had about me. Maybe this is a bit far-fetched but I think maybe I became addicted to this kind of positive feedback, this approval I received from grown-ups. So with age, it became more and more burdensome.

ENTREVISTA: EKSPERENSIA KU RELIGION (HENDE MUHE- 39 )

Dikon ma legumai iglesia òf religion? No ta paso niun hende a bin bisa mi nada. E ko’i a bin di paden. Ma kuminsá bai misa paso mi a yega kaminda mi tabata sinti mi bida no tabata worth it mas, anto mi tabata kla pa paketá anto bai. Pero mi di: ” Bo sa, nunka mi a duna Dios e chèns, ke men religion.” Mi di: “ Dios esaki ta bo chèns pa bo demostrá mi ku bo tei ”, anto e ora ei ma drenta misa in de hoop ku mi depressie lo bai. Anto ku lo mi a stòp di gusta hende muhé. Anto ora ma kuminsá bai misa, mi a kuminsá ripara despues di un tempu, paso ma keda 2 aña na e misa. Ma kuminsá ripara yen kos ku no ta klòp. Ami ta un hende ku gusta studia, un di e kosnan ku mi a hasi ta studia beibel. Kemen ma bai lesa full e beibel. Anto ta a base eigenlijk di e kosnan ku tin skirbí den beibel mes mi a haña sa ku religion no ta di dios. Kemen, e ko’i ta diabel mes mes ta dirigí e ko’i. Anyways a kuminsá ku den misa mi ta pega soño. Mi ta pega soño kaminda mi ta drumi bon, mi no tabata parandiá mas. Gewon mi ta pega soño. Mi mama a kuminsá kue nèrvio riba mi paso mi ta drumi den misa. Den misa tambe nan a kuminsá kritiká hopi over di homoseksualnan. Anto a yega un moment ku mi mes a keda mane bon un ta bosnan mes ta bisa no judge? Bo sa, anto tiki tiki e kosnan a kuminsá sali afó. Diripiente e misa ku nos ta bai, kemen ta un misa yon ku a kaba di kuminsá. Diripiente e pastora di e misa tin un hele dikke outo. Anto djadumingu e ta kana bisa ku nos mester ofrendá mas, paso no tin sèn pa paga hür di e logá di misa. Asina yen kos chikí chikí a pasa ku mi di , “hey warda, e kos aki no ta klòp”. Anto ma bisa, wak ami no ta bai volg hende ku ta bisa bo, ta tal i tal kos bo mester hasi pa yega tal i tal kaminda, anto bo mes ta echa baina di aya banda. I can’t, mi no por ku e kos ei. Anto eigenlijk atraves di e mes un palabra den beibel mi a wòrdu liberá. Di tur e kosnan ku mi a lesa, e un concept ku mi ta bisa e kos aki ta un kos solid ku mi por bisa esaki ta un definishon di Dios ta; God is love. Dios es amor. E ko’i nan ta prediká tòg, anto e or’ei ma bai den 1st of corinthians chapter 13 ku ta mi favorite chapter den henter e buki ei. E chapter kaminda nan ta describe love. E yama: ”

13 La preeminencia del amor   

Si yo hablase lenguas humanas y angélicas, y no tengo amor, vengo a ser como metal que resuena, o címbalo que retiñe. 2 Y si tuviese profecía, y entendiese todos los misterios y toda ciencia, y si tuviese toda la fe, de tal manera que trasladase los montes, y no tengo amor, nada soy.3 Y si repartiese todos mis bienes para dar de comer a los pobres, y si entregase mi cuerpo para ser quemado, y no tengo amor, de nada me sirve.4 El amor es sufrido, es benigno; el amor no tiene envidia, el amor no es jactancioso, no se envanece;5 no hace nada indebido, no busca lo suyo, no se irrita, no guarda rencor;

13 The Way of Love

If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

And in the bible some of the apostles describe God as this revengeful God, el Dios de la furia. And this is not true, because if God is love he cannot, it’s impossible. This passage with god is love, e kos aki ta mi cornerstone ku a yuda mi liberá mi mes for di e brainwash di loke ta religion. Paso tin para ku dios ta amor. Si nos tin un dios di amor, kon nos Dios por judge nos. Kon nos Dios por krea algu ku ta kondena kaba, ku un tin niun chèns di salbashon, pasobra bo ta gay anto ya. No ta’tin un choice den esei . Mi ta kere den freedom of choice, dus mi no ta kere esaki ta un kriterio a base di kiko Dios lo judge mi ever. Paso e ta un basic function di mi. Ta mane si bo ta bai fièrnu paso bo ta hala rosea. Dus e kosnan ei, e palabranan mes den e buki den e beibel a liberá mi. Anto ma pidi Dios, paso mi tabata sa ora mi ta na misa, mi ta bisa Dios mi no por kere abo ta e hende aki, mi no por kere bo ta e Dios ku e hendenan aki ta pinta. Anto ma bis’é mustra mi, mustra mi ken bo ta. Mustra mi bo identity. Anto el a mustra mi. El a mustra mi ku e ta tur kaminda. Ku no ta einan, serka esun ei so e ta bai papia den su orea. Dios ta tur kaminda.

Bo ta sinti ku religion ta build on guild?

Wak henter e cornerstone di henter e system ku nos ta biba den dje, ku ta un capitalistic system, ta basá, anto kòrda bon ku ántes ta religion tabata gobiernu. E cornerstone di capitalism I religion ta the controling of the masses, pa nan(masses) no ta happy, pa nan ta insecure. Pa nan no ta feel worthy, pa nan mester seek salvation through other people. Manera e pastor, as if we need the pastor to communicate with God. They want us down. Un otro un kos, dus nan cornerstone, ta minderwaardigheid. Di dos, e kos kuent’i ku bo no por question, you shouldnt question the word of God. Anto christians take that very seriously. Nan no ta question e palabra di un pastor. Anto asta den beibel si mi no ta herá, ta Salomon ku tabata the wisest man back in the day, el a skirbi ku religion was made to seperate us from God. It’s in the bible. Kemen tin hopi bèrdat den e beibel. Paso esei ta un otro part di e brainwash ta ku God I holy spirit made sure ku e apostelnan a skirbi loke nan (Dios I Spiritu Santu) tabata ke pa nan skirbi. Which is not true, Paso nos tur ta human. Nos ta divine, yes, pero nos ta divine ora nos ta aligned ku nos divineness. Ora ku nos ta den nos ego aki’fó and trying to be better than others and trying to proof others wrong, nos no ta aligned. People did sit and write the things. Pero kiko a pasa? Den e tempu ei Constantinus tabata e heerser anto elekshonnan tabata bin. Anto el a bira Kristian paso e tabata sa ku Jesus tin yen volgers. Tur e bukinan ei tabata eksistí hopi aña kaba, ora ku Constantinus a disidí; ik ga er een boek van maken. El a kis e bukinan ku tabata bai mee ku su vishon. El manda nan distribuí tur e otro bukinan. Pero den e tempu ei tabatin un hende ku a pensa, nos no por laga e bukinan aki bai pèrdí e or’ei el a hinka tur e bukinan den un pòch’i klei i dera nan. E bukinan ei, nan ta yama nan los libros apócrifos. Einan tin buki ku maria magdalena a skirbi. Tin bukinan kaminda nan ta describe jesus ora e tabata chikí. Ora e tabata mucha anto apparently jesus no tabata un good child, ora e tabata mucha. Apparently Jesus a mata un mucha, paso e mucha a kore dal den dje, anto Jesus a mishi kune anto e mucha a muri. Plus el a resusitá un mucha tambe. Parse ku e ku un amigu tabata hunga riba dak di e kas, den e hungamentu esun a kai abou anto muri. Anto e or’ei nan a bisa ku ta Jesus a bent’é abou, paso nan tabata sa ku jesus tin su mal beis. Anto Hesus a bis’é lanta bo bisa nan ku no ta ami a benta bo abou, anto e mucha a lanta. Tur e bukinan ei, e hende aki a hinka nan den un pochi di klei anto el a dera nan den tera. Nan a bin haña e pochi ei den aña 70 na’i, un archeoloog a diskubrí e pochi anto haña tur e bukinan. Nan ta wardá, bo por haña nan online pa lesa tambe. Constantinus a edit e buki. Anto el a saka tur kos ku no ta bai na su amèn. Esei ta e reina valera, e king james ku nos ta usa awo’ki. Dimes tin diferente vershon paso nan ta usa diferente vertaling. Pero nan tur ta e kompilashon kaminda tin Juan Lukas k’eseinan. Paso unda e bukinan di tur e otro apòstelnan ta? Hudas tabatin su buki.

Anto si bo bai wak e tekstonan ku nan ta skirbi(den e vershon di beibel ku nos tin awoki), no ta tekstonan ku ta align ku love, which is what they are trying to say ( that god is love). Esei ta nan kampaña, pero ora di goberná nan ta lubidá e kampaña ei. Mi ta komprendé dikon e no ta fásil pa hende habri nan wowo. Paso bo sa kiko ta dushi? Ora bo no mester pensa pa bo mes. Hende ta kustuma na esei. Nan ta prefera di laga hende tuma desishon pa nan.

Pero bo ta kere e tin te maken tambe ku e echo ku hende no ke tuma responsabilidat?

Konpolaga, esei ta e main thing. Nos tur ta biba den un mundu kaminda nos no ta tuma responsabilidat pa nos aktonan. Awor aki mi a kuminsá mira, but it’s because I’m working for it. It’s not coming by itself. Ku mi ta kuminsá ta mira mi fayonan echt, bo sa.

Nos no ta gusta tuma responsabilidat pa kos. mi ta bai duna bo un voorbeeld. E ko’ki ta algu ku awor aki mi ta bin ta realize. Por ehèmpel semper den pasado, mi a pasa den relashon amoroso kaminda semper hende, asina mi tabata papia, hende semper ta take advantage di mi. Anto semper nos ta bisa si kende a kibra mi kurason, dus semper den nos gedrag, nos ta semper looking to put the guilt on someone else i no serka nos. Paso, dikon? Bo ta beredeneer ma dun’é tur di mi mes. Pero si bo bai wak bon, no ta e ko’i bo tin ku hasi den un relashon. En ta bai over di duna tur di bo mes. E ta bai over di abo sòru pa abo ta bon. Abo sòru pa bo parti, anto ora ku bosnan bin huntu ta great. Sin hasi e otro hende responsabel pa kon abo ta sinti. Anto ta algu ku awó numa mi ta siña, ta kos ku mi a hasi henter mi bida. Ma tira falta riba tur hende rondó di mi, pa e kosnan malu ku ta pasa den mi bida. Pero den religion I nos gewon daily life den nos kultura this is the standard. It’s a standard asta den e lenga di papiamentu, nos tin’é hopi fuerte. Den e lenga mes. Anto bo ta mira e efect di e ko’i riba nos komo pueblo. Ami ta sigur ku religion a sòru pa e blueprint aki keda den e sistema. Paso ta asina nan por dominá nos.

Komo hende bo ta kere nos tin un problema ku adorashon?

No. Nos tin un problema grandi di outoestima. We willen allemaal mee tellen. We all want to be seen and noticed, anto loke society of e sistema ta siña nos ku, if we want to be noticed, if we want to have all these things, nos mester bai sigun e format. Krese, eduká bo mes, haña un trabou, get a house, get married, have children. Bo sa. Die, laga kos atras pa bo yunan, so on, and so on. Binnen e kader di religion tin yen manera ku bo por please. Ku bo por achieve tur e puntonan aki ku ta wòrdu admired binnen e context ei. Dus mi ta kere ta mas approval. Dikon nos ta adorá in the first place? Ora bo ta adorá algu, esei kemen, per definitie ku e kos ku bo ta bezig ta adora ta above you, its better than you. E adorashon ta aproval, actually deep down your seeking for approval. Anto dor ku bo mes ta disapprove di bo mes e adorashon ta loke ku abo si ta approve di dje. Ami ta kere nos problema ta unu di outoestima, di balor. Di e balor ku nos ta duna nos mes.

Ami ta kere nos problema ta, Mundu ta bai over di value, e mundu aki ta drai ku sèn. Si bo no tin sèn, bo no por kome. si bo wak bon nos, henter nos historia di humanidat ta bai over di duna nos mes balor. Wak e indjannan ora ku e spañónan a yega serka e indjannan. Nan a yega ku spil anto nan a exchange e spilnan pa tur e oro ku nan tabatin. Paso e indjannan no tabata sa. Legumai e indjannan no tabata sa, e value system di e indjannan tabata otro for di e spañónan. Paso loke e spañónan ta balorá den e oro, pa e indjannan e ta nada. Pa nan, e be-wonderment di por a wak nan mes image tabata out of this world. Balor ta un kos ku nos tin ku siña ku ta nos mes por defini’é. Pero esei ta loke misa ta kere, ku ta nan so por definí e balor.

Mi ta haña religion, I believe, ta manera arte. E ta un kos ku no ta defined. Anto pa tur hende e ta otro. Dus imaginá bo nan saka un handleiding di kon pa bira un kunstenaar and thats like the only way. esei ta buta ku juist niun hende no por bira kunstenaar, paso ta un perspectief bo ke usa pa tur hende. Anto esei ta loke religion ta hasi, kis un perspectief, un interpretashon di e teksto. Anto nan ke buta pa tur hende bai mee. Anto si bo wak e process di kon Jean Basquiat a bira Jean Basquiat anto bo wak e proseso di Picasso ta kompletamente diferente. Tòg nan tur dos tabata artista. Na e momentu ku nos komo hende bai skirbi un handleiding di kon bo tin ku hasi algu ku no ta tangible. Anto einan e problema ta bin.

ALLEMAAL HETZELFDE

  Allemaal hetzelfde?

We moeten duidelijk maken dat het hier gaat om mensen en om mensenlevens. Wanneer je meer waarde hecht aan ideologie dan het menszijn dan kan het misgaan

Pg15 geloof en bijgeloof – Valdemar Marcha & Jaqueline Werkman

E idea ku pastor I santunan ta mas serka di Dios, nunka no a make sense pa mi. Òf ora un hende ta bisa ku e ta resa pa bo. Mi sa ku e ta hasi’é ku bon intenshon i logikamente no ta nada malu. Pero dikon nos mester un intermediario pa komunika ku Dios? Dikon tin tantu hirargia, Dikon ta pastor so tin rason? Dikon nos ta sinti nos ku e derechi pa husga un otro persona? These are things I’m constantly thinking about. What makes your sin less than mine. And why is it that we think that we will pay for our sins in hell, after we die? And if we do pay it in hell, why do you care that I will spend the rest of eternity in hell. Should you have to worry more about yourself? All these thoughts let me to the video ‘ Asumming that white is purity,…”

ASSUMING THAT WHITE IS PURITY,…

Freewriting #13

E ta pèrdè kolo. Blanku no ta solamente blanku mas. Asumiendo ku blanku ta puresa, kon ta posibel ku e por wòrdu manchá tan fásilmente. Sushi ta keda atras. Blo ta pidi yudansa..

 

Nos ta rèk nos ser, pa forma parti di e multitut.

You lengthen yourself to be like everybody else

 

Larga bira nada, Akaso bo ta doño di un trono? Laga humildat reina. Ken bo ta

pa husga otro. Larga bira nada, pakiko tin opinion riba mi bida.

 

You put yourself on that pedestal, all high and mighty don’t know how to act.

You face yourself, clean up your act, put yourself in reverse.

Consumed, by everything around us. No focus. No foundation.

We search for something outside of us. No aspirations, no connection, zero interest or perseverance

 

Acting all high and mighty =  expecting to be treated with respect

consumed                          =  judging each other with every chance you get

distracted                           =  searching for the external

vacant                                =  nothing but an empty shell

disoriented                         =  looking for validation in all the wrong things

Part 2: - muhe en buska di perfekshon (Woman in search of perfection)

THE DOMINANT PRESENCE OF FEAR

“ In Curacao, like in many other colonized societies, we have been shaped by the culture of silence, which is characterized by the dominant presence of fear. Therefore, the discontinuation of the chain of fear that persists through generation, demands that we speak out. Because it is in the, up till now forbidden or forgotten utterances that we will find just means to recreate society. Colonial, class and racial oppression have struck  women with more vehemence and has withheld our societies from also growing through life experiences of women. ”

Mundu yama sinta mira – Joceline Clementia (1992)

This passage struck a nerve. We do have a culture of silence, and we are still very much afraid. I know I was. We are still afraid of what others might think of us.

HOW MUCH MODESTY IS TOO MUCH HUMBLENESS

Komo Komo mucha mi interes tabata den deskubrí i siña kosnan nobo. I un manera ku mi tabata logra esaki tabata dor di lesa buki. Kualke buki, woordenboek, ensiklopedia, beibel pa mucha, kuenta di mucha. Tur loke mi por a siña algu nobo for di dje tabata fasiná mi. Mi tabata un mucha inteligente ku tabata haña bon punto na skol i tabata pone bon atenshon ora mi dosentenan tabata papia. Mi tabata bastante sosial tambe. sintá den un klas ku muchanan ku tabata 3 i tin chèns asta 4 aña mas grandi ku mi, komo ku nan a keda sinta vários bes, mi tabata pensa ku nan no tabata mesun inteligente ku mi. I na momentu ku mi nota ku mi dosente hasi un fout, mi tabata koregí e. Paso den mi kabes di mucha, pa ami nan no sa ku loke e dosente ta splika nan no ta korekto, so me correcting her is helping my other classmates. Pues in my head, Ami tabata nan salbadó. I lógikamente e dosentenan no tabata gusta esaki. I mi dosente di 6de klas basis, mi sa sigur ku no tabatin lei ku mi. Mi ta kòrda un bia ku mi no a traha huiswerk el a pone mi bisa dilanti henter klas ku mi ta floho. Mi mester a keda ripití: “ik ben lui!” Segun mi tabata krese mi a realisá ku hopi persona tabata haña mi arogante. Hopi bes mi manera di ekspresá mi mes, no tabata e korekto. I komo un persona ku ta gusta reflekshoná. Mi a disidí ku mi tin ku traha riba e parti ei di mi karakter. So I decided, I should not be arrogant. And what is the opposite of arrogance? modesty/ humbleness. Un manera ku mi a haña pa traha riba mi ‘arogansia’ ta dor di splika loke mi kemen. And for years now I have found myself explaining everything I say , just in case someone misunderstood what I said. To the point that I get anxiety and start overthinking. I lay awake at night thinking, did this person understand that I didn’t mean what I said in an arrogant way. Another way was to not talk about myself. I was always the friend who listens. I started thinking that my friends were going through enough to also have to deal with my depression, anxiety and doubts. So I kept it all to myself. Thinking of it now, did I think I was some kind of wonderwoman or what?! I didn’t want to burden them, but did take all their burden.I remember the image out of a book called beibel pa mucha . E kuenta aki ta papia di un hòmber riku i un limosnero. E moral di e historia ta, ku bo man drechi no mester sa kiko bo man robes a hasi. Pues ku no ta tur hende mester sa ku bo a hasi bon( yuda un persona den nesesidat). E imágen di e hòmber riku tirando un moneda pa e limosnero miéntras tur e sobra hendenan den plasa ta wak, a keda graba den mi memoria.e lekshon ku ami a saka for di e kuenta ta:

1.Ta humilde, no ta tur hende mester sa kiko bo a hasi

2.No pensa di niun hende komo ménos ku bo

3.Yuda mas ku bo por yuda, i sin spera nada bek

Awor ku mi ta pensa, algu ku ta difísil pa mi ta aseptá yudansa. Mi no ta ni pidi’é te pa mi hañ’é. Dikon mi tin tantu nesesidat di yuda, pero mi mes no ta habrí pa risibí yudansa? Mi ta mira pidi yudansa komo un weakness?

FREEWRITING #11

 A yega e momentu di sa ken bo ta. Bo ta kana rònt sin sa unda pa bai. From time to time bo ta laga otro dikta kiko bo siguiente pasonan ta. I bo ta bisti pa otro no sa bo identidat. Humildat I trankilidat. kolektividat, pero tòg ku privasidat. Primi saka kada lastu djus for di bo ser. Sakrifiká kada rosea tambe. Bo ta dualdu, ma bo no ta pèrdí. Bo por dal vários rònchi, ma nunka e paisahe lo ripití. Bo ta tuma bo tempu, esei ta bèrdat. Sinku sekònde mas lat bo a realisá. Bo ta tuma años pa dal kada stap. Bo ta kritiká bo mes ku kada suspiro. Wak bo mes den spil i lubidá loke ta kumini bo. Chin chan un kos chikí por desviá bo. Bo ta traha bo korona pa otro polish e pa bo. Bo no por sinta muchu largu riba e trono, paso bo tin rel di tantu wowo. Bo miedu no ta solamente di skuridat. Di dia kla bo ta kana wantá. Bo no por kompartí, ni maske bo ke. Bo por atmití ku tin ora bo tambe tin mester? Manera sòldá bo ta marcha den bida. Kada paso ku bo dal, a la medida. Bo no ta kansa di tantu rutina? Dikon no atmití ku bo ta egoista. Bisti bo sombré I sigui ku bo bida

THE SEARCH FOR BALANCE

How much of me was based on this idea of purity, this idea of perfection. I created this installation in my need to try to find a balance between this old me and the new me. I experimented with different materials like wood, glass, and fabric. Playing with the fragility of the glass, and the reflection of the sunlight ( as a commentary on my environment having a huge effect on me). This installation changed in many ways during the course of a month. I tested out, putting the various parts of the installation in different positions attempting in this way for them to interact with or react to each other.

SALT AS A PURIFIER

As a reflection on how I was always striving to this perfection. I worked on these visual sketches. In a way, I wanted to exaggerate this idea of being perfect and going to whatever length to get it. Seeing salt as the purifier, this one thing that can help you reach this goal. Starting with the inside by drinking it, and slowly working its way out, till it reaches the environment around you. Cause at some point I also wanted to control what is happening around me. And if it didn’t work out, it would send me into a spiral of negativity. I consider all these little experiments a sort of ritual. I think by doing them I can slowly leave this perfectionistic mindset behind. It’s like I’m putting a mirror in front of my face. A reminder of what I’m working on in myself.

DON'T LOOK BACK

Not going back.This sketch and soon-to-be performance is a reminder to not go back even if I want to. It’s very hard to let go of a habit. It’s crazy how easy it is for me to think negatively about myself and beat myself up for not accomplishing things in a certain amount of time. But now, the moment I start to get these thoughts, I can tell myself it’s okay. I don’t have to be harsh with myself. I have my own timing I don’t need to accomplish things at other people’s pace, but my own. As an inspiration, I used a story out of the bible. Where God tells Lot and his family to leave the city without looking back. but Lot’s wife turned around and God turned her into a pilar of salt. But in my case, in this performance, I can’t look back even if I want to.

FREEWRITING #7

 Before you sleep. Before you dream the dream you dream. Do you feel okay with what you did today? Does any of your thoughts satisfy you, of bo ta sinti e nesesidat di grita, pa bo bos resoná pa tur sintá te aya’tras. For them to understand what is going on in your life. Ku bida no ta solamente loke bo ta reflehá. Ku por tin diferente dimenshon mará na un sensashon. The sensation of feeling lost. Gone. never again to be seen. Like a broken mirror whose pieces you can never put back together. Have I lied? Can you prove my existence? I need you to scream, scream louder for them in the back to hear. When does it end? When you have me near? Whenever you are not doubtful anymore. Over di mañana ayera i awe. Paso futuro ta zona muchu leu pa bo. Paso bo ke ta den bo so-called comfort zone. Pero mi ke hala bo, sakudi bo, ranka bo saka bo for di den dje. Mi no ke bo hala rosea na pas. Mi ke bo kansa ku kada moveshon bo hasi. Mi ke mira e kansansio den bo kara. Mi ke mira bo chest subi i baha. Mi ke mira e sodó kore na bo frenta.So I can recognize your effort. The effort I go through everyday single day sin mira un kambio. I want you to shake from hunger. Hamber pa logra loke bo ke. Muri, si muri, pero di set. Pa kada sekònde bo pasa rondo di mi you know that you need me to survive. Drink, yes drink my water. Drink it all up. Because today I am ready to accept that I am selfish. Mi duda no ta den bo. E ta sinta den mi, band’i mi, bou di mi i riba mi. Paso maske kuantu bo turn the perspective around, it will always be flesh, bones and blood. Blood that I lack, bones that I drag, flesh that I eat. Perspective that I see.

Part 3: - muhe manchá ( stained woman)

FREEWRITING #17

The first time I looked myself in the mirror and loved it. I spend so much time hating myself. Why is that? Why did I single-handedly push myself of that cliff? I want to understand what the need was for me to do something so horrible. I look around and see nothing wrong with other people so why find every little flaw in myself. And of course when someone has something bad to say about themselves I go ahead and say no it’s ok don’t say that to yourself. You are beautiful. I hope you can see yourself through my eyes. 

FREEWRITING #19

Hello, I just wanted to say hi. I’m sorry I haven’t seen you in a while. I was so caught up with things that didn’t even matter. I put myself in the victim role and did not want to let it go. I pushed down every urge, every instinct, every moment of clarity. I was waiting for a lot to come from the outside instead of worrying to make space for what’s inside. But finally, I can say hi once again to you. I want to make space for you in my life. I want you to be able to give me your opinion and your views. I want you to take the reins. I want you to be yourself. I want you to take care of yourself. I want you to be the happiness and joy in our life. Come out. I want you to come out. I want to meet you all over again. I want for us to talk. I want you to listen. I want you to finally be you. 

*Ode to… audio piece (mp3) 

The strangest feeling I ever felt. Before recording, I asked myself how am I going to be able to transition from crying to laughter. But it happened naturally. Deep down I know I needed to let it all out in order to be able to move on. I started listing all the things I did to myself, every negative thought, and the negative thing I told myself. How I did not stand up for myself. And so the tears came. The moment the list ran out I felt this relief, this happiness. It almost became silly. It seemed so small, so laughable.

DEATH FLOWERS

Through this work, I learned to love myself more but also to know myself. Death flowers is a funeral, a moment to say goodbye to the old me in the form of an altar which includes the audio piece ‘Ode to…’. After leaving all my feelings in the audio piece I felt like I needed a visual representation of how I felt. Since the passing of my grandmother funerals and death itself has new meaning to me. After seeing my grandmother stuck in a bed for years and seeing her health deteriorate, her passing was beautiful to me. She could finally be free and happy. I see death as a rebirth. So I consider Death flower, my rebirth. My chance to be free, my chance to be happy.

ON A PEDESTAL

I can’t help but stare.
Every time I catch a glimpse of you.
I can’t help but stare. It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face.

Really looked at it.
It’s been so long since I could see you for who you really are.
I’ve been covering you up with other people’s needs.
Other people’s desires and other people’s thoughts.
Always in the shadow pretending to be something you’re not.
It was so easy to put other people on a pedestal, but today I say no more. I want to uplift you.
Put you on the highest pedestal there is.
Make a shrine for you.
Create beautiful rituals to praise you.

I want you to be happy.
I want you to feel fulfilled.
I want you to feel like you can accomplish everything.

Break down every wall you build around yourself.
Take you in my arms and make you feel safe.
Give you everything that I can give and when there is nothing left to give, give you that last bit.

I want your soul to be jumping inside your body.
I want you to feel excitement you cannot deal with.
Feel things deeper but still have a safe space.
Being able to connect to people without having to think if it’s okay.

I see your beauty, you radiate love.
You are the sun and the moon all wrapped in one.
Beginning and end.
Love and instinct.

I wish for your everyday to be filled with an ocean of happiness.
For you to know that you are loved in many ways.
You are indispensable to this earth.
You are creative, you are evolution
You are joy, you are greatness.

Please don’t ever change.
From this moment on let’s be complete.
Let’s be kind and loving to one another.
And discover together what else life has to offer.

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